Saturday, July 24, 2010
Hey Ho, how long have it been since i typed something here. Now that i think about it, maybe i DO just take this as a place to pour out everything I have in mind since I dont have any particular person to share it with.Sigh, things have taken bad turn huh? Well, it's not like as if I dont deserve it. Okay, so, lets start with the mind pouring.
I wonder what happen between us, I mean, not current situation, but what makes me feel like talking to others than you? Is it really because that your too long absence? Or is it because that I need to talk to someone new? Or is it because that I just want to feel that long lost feeling again? What actually other guy has that I don't? What makes them able to hold their relationship so long and yet I cant? I think, if thing really did turn out worst and worst after this, I will want to try to think and ponder on how to improve this up.
It's kinda sad isnt it? That I need to learn it the hard way, and hurting ppl that I care most? No, not only you, I've been hurting ppl that cared about me all along too. My parents, my friends, meh, even my best friend was not spared from fist exchange. It's just so frustrating.
I've read ur comment on your fb, yes, i did. It kinda feel distant this time huh? Maybe you're right, I kinda felt so too. Maybe we will really be separated for real already this time. It's just so....wasted, I mean, all along, i really thought this is one and final relationship that i will want to get in already. Like, this will just last till the end already. Gosh, I'm just so frustrated on myself.
One thing about your mind is, that you always think that whatever I'm going to do is whatever I've done in the past, but no, our case is really not like how it is between me and jac. You know, it might be quite unbelivable at this point of time, but I do care a lot for you, you know. I really tried my best to make this work this time round. Maybe like what the old saying goes, my mind are strong, but my flesh are weak. I fell for the temptation again.
One thing that I wanted to tell you, but I think you wont even think that it's the truth is that: Do you know that even when I'm talking to the other girl, I actually felt disgusted? It is the truth, i actually feel a little bit unsettled when I'm talking to them, I know, like i say, it just doesnt sounds....believable, heck, you might think that I'm even lying. But, actually, when I was in Malaysia, I actually really think that, I'm going to stop talking to them once and for all, moreover, after this time i come back, I can just go to m'sia more and more often. Regret always comes too late huh?
It's pretty weird, honestly, this just feels like how it felt back then. Back then, I have a thought of breaking up with her, and we actually broke up for real. And now, I was just thinking about maybe we should take some time out, like, you know, so that we can experience life out there, and then, we get back together again. I mean, it just doesnt sounds very asian-ic, but well, that's what i read from what they do in western part. My point is, that's just what i thought, and yet, this is where we are now. Some part of me actually thinking to cheer you on, if you really want to try to flirt with guys and all, but some part of me still want to call you mine. It really is......pretty contradicting. This is why, I dont know what to or how to feel currently. At times, I just want to give up convincing you, and yet at times, I just want to at least try a little bit more.
You said, you regret knowing me. What's in my mind is: why will you tell me if you do, what is ur purpose?
You said "can you see what I said?" I didnt reply because, I know, that's not you talking. That is why i said, "I want to talk to you"
I really have no more idea on how to put this whole chunk of thoughts that's swirling in my mind into words right now, I just wish that we can meet up face to face to talk about it instead of msning or calling. I start it face to face, dont you think the least i deserve is a face to face ending?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It was a boring afternoon so i decided to do every single thing to rid of it, and that is when i stumble upon your blog.Do you remember that I ever told you, if only you have any doubts about me, I need you to clear it up and clarify it with me. Reason being is, no matter how solid our relationship can be, with a crack, it will still crumble nonetheless.
When i stumble upon ur blog and read the post that you post, if you want me to be frank, it disappoints me. Reason being is that now i know why you act like this all along. Not only you have doubts about me, but you never told me, and assume that I am who you think. I really want you to know that....that's not me.
Quite a number of your posts focuses on how sweet other guys treat their gf and all, and then you start comparing me against them. Do you know how unfair that is? We guys dont have any standard guidelines that we must follow when we do things to our own girl. True, all of us love our girls, but that doest mean that we do similar things altogether. I'm not trying to blame you or boasting or anything, but do i ever complain to you on how other gf treat their bf or stuff like that? I want to feel so too, but i always tell myself that, you have ur own way on doing things, and i appreciate it more than anything else already.
I want you to know hun, that I love you, and even though that u think I dont mean mine, I actually really really mean mine, and that is why, i always want the best thing for you.
I hope you checked my blog and read this post, coz i dont think i can bring this up to you since it'll lead to quarell :(
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
This post is...for youFor ages, I've been wondering, what actually cause the cause? You told me it's important, I told you that I found it stupid, but nevertheless, we never talk again, for months. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just you, or maybe it's just the long gap that was created between us, but well, I found us well drifted apart alrd.
I tried to talk to you again ytd, like strike up a convo to make things not so quiet between us. But apparently, you've changed so much, that sometimes I cant believe it's you anymore. What's with the usage of vulgarities now? And what's with the weird way of speaking now? Where is the girl that I used to know?
I was walking home just now, and like usual, walking home means more time for me to think about stuffs. And just happen it fells on the topic of you again. So, i was walking and thinking about the past, coz that is the exact road I took when I was calling my best friend in Australia like 1 and a half years ago, when we 1st met. It still fresh in my mind, how excited I was and how happy I was. But it certainly changed now.
The last time we went out, do you know that i thought you might have change already? Coz u really speak and act like how we used to talk and all. And i'm very happy coz i notice that you tried to strike out so many convo when i'm all quiet in the beginning, and on that moment, I thought maybe I'm the one at fault, coz I'm the one that's all quiet and non responsive. But guess what, once we reached home again, it's just another "hi bye" convo.
I've had had enuff i guess. This whole yes and no relationship between us, and dont be naive and start thinking that relationship should only be that way, is just nothing but a drag. Thus, I hereby saying this, I'm severing all our ties off alrd. I'll think of you no more, and I'll remember you no more. When people ask me about you, I'll make sure my response to them is "Huh, who is she? Do i know her?"
Never wanted it to end this way, honest, never wanted it to be like this. So, okay, all the best in your life. Lets talk again when you are a bit more....mature yeah, wabbit...?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
She told me about, how it will be nice if the 1st moment of us kissing and holding hands and all are done slowly.. And i always thought "neahz, it'll be quite boring"Apparently, it's not. Haha!
There's this girl that i like, well, i dont want to use the L word juz yet, but then again, im pretty sure that both of us knows how we feel towards each other. As a matter of fact, i intended to record down what happen ytd here actually, but i think it'll be juz best if i can keep it to myself for this.
For the future me,if you kinda forgot who i am talking about, here's a name for you: Elvina :D Search it through your mind yeah? :D
For the readers, here'll be where i'll say cya till next post. Wish me all the best with her? HAHA!!
(kinda contradicting with the last post, dont you think? But then again, me and her also nothing much yet now, so, well, we are taking it slow enuff, arent we? :D)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Haha, how long alrd since i last blog? =x Can you believe it, I cant even remember what is my bloglink anymore =x and not to mention, my blog pw is like uber long -.- Yeah, i just realized it.. Any prob with that? XD Kay, lets do some update I just reach sg this morning, after 2 weeks off vacation in Seattle, Wa visiting my bro. Honestly, there is a HUGE difference between sg ppl and american. The way they talk, the way they greet you, the way they start convo, the way they throw you a smile, the way they simply say "oh no no, you are fine, I'm just taking a cup", cutting long to short, if you feel shitty, TALK TO A DAMN AMERICAN, and they'll make your day XD This makes me more motivated to find some ang moh girl to be my gf XD Kay, joke aside (not the polite-america part, duh), I really thinking of continuing my studies in America after my degree in sg. It really does feel good to be there, honest. Speaking about studies, it really dawn to me that in the age of 19, i really have not much time to fool around anymore. True, i admit that I'm addicted to gaming, and as if that's not bad enough, I also admit that I'm addicted to relationship, and that's really not helping me much. 3 years down the road, I need to work off, and gather enuff money for my master if I were to continue in America. At the same time, if i were to go to America for master, that means, throughout the 3 years, i NEED to take the degree too.. And to top it off, I really really only want to get married 1 year after i done my master. Taking into account of anything, I only can get married around 26-27 years old. That means, when my kid is my age, i'll be 50 alrd, and that's too old.. And suddenly, it just felt like my life is crumpled up and cramped up now.. And this is why, I want to remind my future self, if I were to re read my blog one day: I promise, from this day onward, I'll change.. I'll change bit by bit becoming better. It doesnt matter if it's just a small step at a time, but I really really want to change for the better.. I want to stop gaming, I want to spend my time becoming outdoor guy instead of indoor guy, I want to dedicate myself to God, and most importantly, I DO NOT want to get addicted into relationship anymore. (look around for girls, yeah, but not relationship) As i was typing this, it felt so impossible for the now me, but readers, if there's any, please, I need your help if you are reading this, remind me every now and then about my promise to myself yeah? I will not be able to do anything without the help of you guys too.. So please.. I owe you guys one yeah...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Aww, you are sick today.. The absence of you today make me realize, perhaps, all along i took you for granted alrd.. Perhaps, all along, i thought, I can do whatever i want, and yet you'll still come and find me at the end of the day.. But just a day of not talking to you make me realize, i DO miss you..There's so much thing I want to share about, and yet, you sounded so weak.. I wanted to talk to you more, and yet, you doesnt sound okay at all.. I just hope that you are much better by 2mr..
I promise, I will try not to take you for granted anymore.. Get well soon, kay?
Monday, August 24, 2009
it's actually the last day of my 3rd year 1st semester alrd..Was walking back home with zakia and friends just now, and when we were about to part, I just realised, we have actually become friend for almost a full year now.. Now now, if it's normal friend, it's nothing new, but for goodness sake, it's in the everchanging RP! So, yeah, to me, it's pretty amazing
When i was in the train though, i just realized that the friends that i hang around with this semester..I might not be able to see them anymore.. It's like, as if, i'm almost missing them.. Micro econ people, you guys are just the craziest bunch i ever met, i swear.. Thx for making my micro econs day enjoyable XD
Holiday officially starts for me alrd, starting 2mr.. Somehow, instead of feeling happy and relieved, i felt kinda sad.. It's like, i still cant believe that next week, i wont be seeing my friends anymore.. almost.....unbelievable.. Ah well, 2 years in RP alrd, i should've get used to it soon
Kay, since it's holiday time alrd, there'll be some stuffs that i need to settle then.. Hope by the end of the holiday, whatever confusion im facing right now is all straighten up alrd..
Mm, i kinda ran out of idea what to type here already now.. Guess i'll call it a day, and start thinking how am i going to spend my 1st night of freedom! XD
Till next post, adios XD